Welcome to Numb - Chapter 4. Chapter 1 can be found on TSR, as well as along with Chapter 2 and 3 on my blog here: samssimstories.blogspot.com. Don't read on if you haven't read previous chapters - you will be very confused (and you'd be missing out ;))
A way out. A light at the end of the tunnel. I had one. I could see it, very clearly, in my minds' eye. I just didn't know if I could reach for it.
Klint always told me that I should reach for the simplest way out, a way out that causes no complications but is still a way out. I'm not sure now though, whether listening to his advice would be best. My way out has been with me since my mother died. I grew up knowing that it might help me one day. Might save me.
It's locked up now. The way out. Klint knows nothing about it, not even a possible hiding place for it. But I know. I know what it means. I know how to escape.
The thing is... passion can make people do terrible things. You have already seen an example of that. It changes people, makes them do things out of the ordinary. It would be wrong however, to suggest that passion is a bad thing. Controlling it is what makes us human. Feelings are what make us human.
I don't feel and I am not passionate, and right now I don't feel very human either.
My room had changed now. It had become a reflection of me, of my personality, my feelings. A cold blue, which managed to give a feeling of warmth by its light. I had changed too. The 'Plain Jane' part of me was gone. Ashley had helped me, changed me. I felt normal then. Kind of. I felt like a normal kid, though I knew very well that I was not normal.
All my possessions had been brought up to my room. The safe from the living room. The writing set I had been given as a birth present from my grandfather. It felt weird seeing it in my room. But I knew I would find out what was inside soon enough.
The combination was sent to me when I turned eighteen. I can tell you what was inside now. Hope was inside. An escape plan was inside, in case I ever needed one. I had been left a gift, a dangerous but precious gift.
I was seventeen at this point. Sat on the rusty, squeaking swing as few children walked by, never pausing to look. Parents cared about them too much to let them hang about in a place like this. I wish I had that. I was constantly in the park alone, I spent most of my time there. Anything to get away from the mad house I was to live in for six more months. I knew where I wanted to live when I left.
A new block of flats, well they were really houses stacked on top of one another. They were huge appartments. They were being built, a completely perfect, modern appartment. I knew who was going to share it with me too. Ashley had agreed to live with me when we were old enough. Her birthday was just before mine, so she was the perfect flat-mate, especially considering we already knew each other. I wouldn't say we were friends, I hadn't told her any of my secrets. But she didn't need to know. She wouldn't want to. I wish I didn't know.
We still have sex, me and Klint. I could say make love, but that would be telling a lie. Our marriage is not based on love. No romance. No feeling. I need to escape. I need to be free. I need to feel the rain on my face. I need to be cleansed. I need everything that I don't have with Klint.
I just wish that there was another way out. A way for me to leave without doing what I know I must do. I don't want to do it to him. I don't want to hurt him. I have no alternative. I don't love him. I'm sorry for that, but what else can I do?
The safe. It's in the safe. I know the combination. I know what I must do.
It was Ashley's birthday when I met Klint. She had invited him over, we were having a small party for her, to congratulate her on her eighteenth birthday and to celebrate her moving out. Well, I say celebrate, but none of us wanted her to leave. Not even me really. I had gotten to know her, it was easy. If you live with someone for long enough and they are constantly trying, it's hard not to get close to them.
I'm not just talking about Ashley anymore; me and Klint, constantly trying to make it work. I stopped trying ages ago, why prolong the inevitable?
Klint was the easiest person to get along with - at first. He was up front, but not too much that he was in my face. He was cheery and was always making me laugh - I think that was what attracted me to him. A shame the only pleasures in life last for short moments; lucky that I can remember them though.
"So Ellen, right?" Klint had very blue eyes, they were trustworthy eyes and so, I opened up just like that. Easy.
I nodded in answer, and we began to chat.
But now I guess things were doomed to failure from the start. A family member who resented the relationship from day one. I just wish I had noticed - I wouldn't have wasted so much of my life trying to make a failing marriage work. All I had to do was pay attention to the girl whose birthday it was... it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble.
I felt the awkwardness as I hugged Ashley goodbye after the party. I couldn't place what the problem was then, but now I look back and I know what her problem was, I can see how it fits. I'm not usually the type of person to hug, it always seemed an innapropriate excuse for touching someone to me. A sign of falsehood, a devilish trick. The sign of a total bitch. But Ashley wasn't a bitch. She was just an overly friendly person, the complete opposite of me - I still don't understand how we managed to "click"
I continued to see Klint after Ashley left - much to some people's displeasure. I was finding excuses to hug more often, which I found strange enough. I could feel myself slowly getting closer to Klint. Closer than I had ever been to anyone. He made it so easy.
Unfortunately, he found me easy as well.
Lizzie was the main person who had a grudge against mine and Klint's relationship.
"Can't you see that he's using you? You stupid girl! He is way too old for you! Besides, everyone else can see that all he wants is sex. Why can't you?" I looked at her incredulously, as the anger coursed through her veins and darted across her eyes. I looked at the dirty green wall behind her, failing to be able to look into her eyes.
"Lizzie, you're being unreasonable. Klint loves me and I love him. And I'm not stupid, I know when someone is using me, and I am not stupid enough to have sex with him. I am nowhere near ready."
"You idiot girl!" Lizzie spun around extremely quickly and threw her drink over me, soaking me in strong smelling licqueur. "Klint doesn't love you! He's using you. He's tricking you. Why won't you listen to reason? You can do what you like, but don't say I didn't look out for you." I dried my face with my hands, and turned away walking silently toward the front door. Lizzie's heavy breathing sounded hysterically behind me, as I felt the rage throb around my ears.
I could feel Lizzie's eyes on my back as I walked down the steps into the fresh air. Johnny followed behind me.
The sun was warm and inviting as it lovingly caressed my back, I smiled even though I was angry and let the sun heat every inch of my body.
Johnny sat next to me and just watched me for a while. I blinked the tears that had formed in my eyes and looked up at him.
"Are you Ok Ellen?"
"No, I'm not Ok! Do I look Ok?" He quickly looked down at his feet.
"No you don't. I'm sorry." I could hear Lizzie shouting again, and I knew who she was shouting at.
"Klint! I don't want to see your face around here again. Do you hear me? I know that you are trying to trick Ellen into sleeping with you. She's not stupid enough! Are you listening? I don't want you here anymore! I won't have you corrupting..." She was cut short as Klint retalliated. A resounding smashed echoed through the hallway and out of the front door as Lizzie's glass smashed. "How dare you?! Attack me again and it will be the last thing you ever do! Now leave!"
"Just who do you think you are?" I heard Klint's deep, satisfying voice as he fought back, unaware that I was listening. "I love Ellen. It's as simple as that. I'm not tricking her into anything. She knows exactly what she wants and where to get it. There is nothing you can do to stop that." I could tell that Lizzie was stepping into dangerous territory, I could feel her nervousness as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other, clearly thinking of something to say.
"Just get out. I never want to see you here again. And if I do, you lousy piece of scum, then I will call the police. Immediately. And you will never see Ellen again. Well not unless your behind a piece of perspex glass!" She let out a derisive, triumphant laugh. "So are you leaving or not? Ellen doesn't want you in the way you expect. I am just protecting her from your sexual advances!"
Klint spluttered for a few moments before equipping himself with a cold but calm tone."We'll just ask Ellen what she wants. Then there will be no fighting. If she wants me, she can have me."
"And if she doesn't?"
"Then I won't see her again."
I know now that Klint didn't really love me, allowing me to be parted from him so easily. But then. Back then I thought it was romantic and it was a sign that he would give me anything I wanted. I was right, but wrong at the same time.
The warm, wet salt trickled down my cheeks as Johnny looked at me. We both listened to Klint heaving himself roughly down the steps. A few moments later and all I could hear was the screeching of his tyres as he pulled out of the driveway and, I thought, out of my life.
He came back, obviously, but it was much sooner than I expected, and probably much sooner than you expected as well.
"Oh, Johnny. What do I do? No-one here likes Klint. But here I am, falling madly in love with him. What do I do?" Johnny looked thoughtful for a second. Quiet. He was always quiet.
"I can't tell you what you should do. Ellen, it's up to you. If you love Klint and want to spend the rest of your life with him, then that's up to you.
If you don't want your kids to end up in a place like this, then I suggest you listen to what Lizzie is telling you... I'm not saying that that is what will definitely happen, I'm just trying to help.
But something you should know is that everyone in this place is looking out for you. We love you and just want you to be safe and happy." Johnny stood up, stretched, yawned and headed back to the house, leaving me alone to think.
I thought carefully, but I knew what I wanted. And that was Klint. I know; wrong decision. I don't need you to tell me. But I was a teenager, a rebellious one. Well what other kind do you get? I wanted Klint and I was going to have him. I had him wrapped around my little finger. At least I thought I did.
"I know you do sweetheart. So do you want to go to the pictures or something?" I knew what I wanted and it cost no money at all, I had to keep him interested in me, I knew that with my boring personality I would only be able to hold onto someone for so long without giving something back. I stepped closer, my heart was beating fast against my rib-cage. I closed my eyes and darkness surrounded me, but only for a moment.
But in that moment that I had my eyes closed. I was on the floor, being roughly violated by Klint. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I wanted to feel satisfied. I wanted to be taken seriously. Like an adult. I wanted to be loved. Like an adult. I wanted to be able to get along without needing someone. Like an adult.
The easiest way I found all of those things, was in those few minutes, in which I sexually pleased Klint. And in those few minutes, my innocence was lost. My virginity was lost. My cleanliness was lost.
I thought that after sex I would feel great, but I barely felt Klint peck me on the cheek before leaving. I heard the muffled click of the door close, as tears filled my eyes. I tried to convince myself that they were tears of happiness. I couldn't even lie to myself that much.
I wrapped myself in my arms. I knew that no-one could comfort me, I could never talk to anyone about my experience. I would only receive: 'I told you so's' and 'don't be silly, that must have been the best moment of your life!'
Trust me. Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. Yes if you want to make babies and increase the worlds' population, but no if you are just doing it because you feel you have to.
My eighteenth birthday closed in on me quickly. I hadn't seen Klint after that night. I wouldn't admit that he had used me, but I had never called him. I didn't want to come into contact with him. I didn't think I would be able to handle it, without feeling ashamed of myself. I was dirty now. No-one would want me. I had lost everything I wanted because of Klint and I was going to make him pay.
I wasn't expecting too much for my birthday, just a few cards and the money from my mothers' trust fund. Yes she actually left me some money! So I was surprised when I received a letter from my mothers solicitor. I knew I was due to get it, but it had completely been wiped from my mind. All the things that had been going on, I was rather surprised.
The letter contained the answer to all of my prayers. The combination to my mothers safe was concealed inside.I immediately ran up to my room and began turning the dial on the front of the safe. Right fifteen, left seven, right twelve, left four. The lock clicked and my hands shook as I pulled the handle down. Inside was money. I was confused. Not only did my mother leave me money in a trust fund. She had managed to fill a safe with money too? I lifted the many green leaves and found something else.
I looked at the dangerous powerful weapon awkwardly. I knew my mother was ruthless, but why did she have a gun?
I felt relieved holding that gun. I felt powerful. I had had my future mapped out for me, and I could see it. I knew that when I needed a way out, this gun would provide the escape route.
I went to bed that night feeling elated. I bet not too many girls get a gun for their eighteenth birthday. I know a lot of girls wouldn't want one, but it makes you feel safe. It gives you a sense of comfort, to have it there lying under your pillow when you sleep.
Unfortunately, I lost that sense of comfort when I was with Klint, I couldn't sleep with it under the pillow anymore, so it was locked back in the safe again.
I think it's time for you to meet him. Klint I mean. The perfect, well-rounded human being. His perfect blue eyes and dark hair. He is standing in front of me, despite the lateness of the hour, or early depending on how you look at it. I'll say early, since I know that I won't be getting anymore sleep tonight. It's time for me to make my escape. My way out.
This is Klint. Already dressed and ready for work. Shame.
I look around me. The walls are closing in on me again. I'm trapped. Suffocating. I feel as though I'm a baby bird struggling to break the shell. I need to be free. I've never really had that chance.
A pop. A blinding light and a searing pain.
Warm blood gushes over my face as I try to see. Black spots fill the front of my eyes as they sear with pain. The blood floods over my hands and it cools quickly. I know it will stain, but it's a sign. The symbol of freedom. Klint is gone. The egg has cracked. Now I just need to break it.
I never thought that digging a grave would be such hard work. You would expect it to be, I suppose, but I just didn't realise it would be as hard as it is. I can feel the blood drying on my face, the wind blowing roughly across my face and through my hair.
The sweat is drenching my skin, as I strain myself to dig harder and faster. I have to finish before light breaks the night sky. It's not a desperate cover-up. I'm not panicking, I'm very calm. I've not done anything wrong.
Now I'm just waiting for the rain.
7 comments:
I like it, even though I think it's not the best you've ever written. It's still good writing.
Somehow I had the feeling that it just didn't flow as well as your writing usually does...
OK enough of that.
The storyline is great, and the suspense just keeps growing. Wonderful job there.
I was surprised to see how Ellen and Ashley became "friends" - or sort of anyway.
Klint... hmmm, so he just took advantage of her, didn't he? I'm not sure what to think of it. It seems like she wanted it, and then afterwards wished she hadn't.
Her resentment towards Klint - I can understand that. But the question still remains whether or not he was really that bad, and whether or not he really deserved what she did to him.
That's not completely clear from how I read/understood your story.
The ending is magnificently disturbing. The way she says, "I've not done anything wrong."
It's the kind of thing only a sociopath would say, and leaves me with a horrible sense of foreboding.
I did like it and I enjoyed reading it a lot.. You did a great job. I disagree with Leah a little, I love the way you wrote this chapter, it sure is different from what you usually do, but I think this new style goes perfectly with the story!
and I agree, the story line is great and just keeps getting better, you are doing a wonderful job there.
I have so many questions :D but I will wait for my answer, I don't want to spoil any future chapters, I know that if I keep on reading I will eventually find my answer...
Your pictures are amazing! The ending freak me out... lol she does act like psycho!
Great job as always!!
As I read this I keep wondering if she is going to turn into some sort of Black Widow. And if, in fact, some mysterious man killed her family or did she?
She is definitely twisted and yes, a sociopath for sure. It would be interesting to see some flashbacks of her life with Klint...glimpses of what their marriage was really like and what led her to take his life (besides being a lunatic).
Leah. Thanks for the very long comment. I'm glad that you pointed out a lot of things. The friends thing between Ashley and Ellen, to me, wasn't really an issue, so I didn't focus too strongly on that. I think I focused more on the progressing plot, since I wrote the murder and graved-digging scene first. Anyway it's not over yet. We will see more of Klint and Ellen's relationship in future flash-backs. Then everything will be revealed and we will see why Ellen felt the need to kill him. Ellen is a bit of a freak, I agree, but I love her. I think it's her strength of mind.
Sandy. I am glad that you enjoyed this chapter as much as the others. As you already know I am not as impressed with myself as I was with the others. I plan on spending a lot of time editing the next part, although I really need to come up with an idea first. Hopefully all the questions will be answered, if not then you can ask me and I'll tell you everything.
Gayl. Ellen did not kill her family. Trust me. Although that would be a good twist. But Ellen was innocent, until that night with Klint. She never dreamed of murder until she found the gun. Perhaps I'll make that clear in the next part. As I said to Leah, there will be more flashbacks. And more insight into Ellen's life... which I think might surprise you.
I liked this chapter as much as I liked the others, although I have to point out something: Wasn't the boy's name Tommy in the previous chapter? Or is Johnny another boy? Apart from that, I think this chapter was well-written too. It did not have the same sad tones as the previous ones, this chapter sound more like a desperate person speaking - and I think it went well with the theme.
About the story: I was really feeling sorry for Ellen, but now I certainly feel that she should be locked up in a mental institution. Klint did not abuse her, she wanted it, she wanted him to do exactly that - and then because she didn't enjoy it, she blamed him, said that he abused her and that he made her kill him? Why did she marry him then?
Why didn't she just walk out, divorce him, cheat on him, whatever - but kill him in cold blood like that - only psychopaths do that!!!
See, you really are a good writer, you managed to get me all angry now ;-) Keep it up!!!
I wondered what the secret in the safe was. But I got a sinking feeling when I saw the gun.
I can tell you that feeling numb has both it's good points and bad points, But it really is the acts that you experience that make you decide to become numb.
Ellen has stated many times how much she resented her mother, but now I think she is coming very close to being the same way.
I don't know why the answer always has to be a gun, or something similar. But I would like to find out more of the past decisions that made her that way. And what she is going to do next.
Yay! I made it! I finally got some quiet time to read your story!
Ellen is really very beautiful! I love her hair and her eyes! I can see why you love her :) I love that blue dress, too!
But that poor girl! She has been through so much! It's a wonder she didn't become a certified basket case after witnessing the death of her family - I'm certain I would have! I still have nightmares about my first dog getting run over by a car! It's just one of those things you never get over.
I've heard it stated that children tend to repeat the same mistakes that their parents did. And it often seems to be so true. I am not surprised that Ellen's love life would be such a mess. She had some very poor role models growing up, and some very damaging traumatic experiences; and it's very likely that she may yet be holding something else deep inside. Something that she's never faced or talked about... maybe something more abusive. That would explain why she'd turn psychopath or schizophrenic. Ellen's: I've done nothing wrong type of thinking, certainly seems to indicate something of that nature! Secrets can be like poison to your soul.
I'm interested to see what's going to happen next. I'm also dying to see what Charlie looks like (pictures help me to better envision a story) and what his story is. Is he going to turn out to be another selfish cad like the other guys she's known? I hope she does the sensible thing and gets help! She's definitely out of control now that she's (and probably did) killed somebody!
Please, tell us soon what's going to happen next!
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